Happy 100th, Winnie-the-Pooh

You may wonder, what is a Pooh?
And if you meet one, what should you do?
There is nothing mean stuffed in his fluff
And being a friend is quite enough.

He will not ask, he is too polite,
But giving a snack would be alright.
You may offer a bite of honeycake,
Or just the hunny, if you don’t bake.

He may seem simple or even naive,
But he will say things you can believe.
But beware if you hunt the Woozle,
For its tracks may soon you bamboozle.

When you meet a Pooh, go have some fun –
You can play until the day is done.
Then you will both go home to your beds
To replay all in dreams in your heads.

The Unemployed Horse

I met a horse on the road going into town.
He’d never been there and wanted to look around.
He used to work on the farm pulling a plow,
But not any more – Farmer has a tractor now.

Artificial Muscle put him out of a job –
That A.M. from him now his old purpose did rob.
And he would need soon to find something new to do
Before someone decided to turn him into glue.

Who (or what) can do the work that a workhorse can?
It appears that a Deere can do even more than.
A.M. can do now the work of all kind of sorts –
Maybe Horse can work in show business or sports.

An Apocryphal Tail

What have you done with your tail?,
Mother Monkey asked her son.
It’s been back there without fail,
But now it seems you have none.

I decided I didn’t need it
To get ahead in this world.
It’s in the way when I sit
No matter how much it’s curled.

And my pants fit so oddly,
Ruining the line of my suit.
Tailor said it’s ungodly
To look such a vulgar brute.

It trailed too far behind me
And would get caught in the door.
Politely open one kindly
To walk away bruised and sore.

No, tails are not my fashion;
I would rather grow a brain.
From tree-swinging I’ll cash in
And learn to write like Mark Twain.

Who’s the Mischief Maker?

Who told those rabbits they could dance on my ceiling?
Dancing and prancing, hopping and jumping up there!
Who do you think told them they could go a-reeling?
There is not a place for wild bunnies in midair.

Who said those alligators could swim in my tub?
Splashing and thrashing, bathing and not behaving!
Who forgot to tell them the first rule at this club:
There is no swimming when nobody’s lifesaving?

Who let those three bears hibernate in my garage?
Dreaming and dozing and snoring with so much noise!
They peacefully attack my ears with their barrage
And I have no place for my car and other toys.

Who has been making this mischief around my house,
Telling animals they can do such silly things?
‘Though you may tell me we have a ringleader mouse,
I think it’s a silly girl pulling all the strings.

Can There Be Too Much Bacon?

Grand Old Farmer had a pig;
Started small but grew quite big.
He couldn’t sate his appetite;
Ate all day and through the night.

Farmer tried to rein him in;
But did not want Pig too thin.
With a plan, hoped to try it –
Put that pig on a diet.

But out of his home, Pig ate,
All the food, even the plate.
Chewed all within the house walls,
All the food in all the stalls.

Why won’t Farmer cast Pig out –
Say it’s time to close his snout?
Is he too big to stop now?
Does Farmer not know how?

Itchy Bee

I ask you, how much worse could the worst be
Than a bee with a pollen allergy?
After hours going from flower to flower,
The work sours, itching to get a shower.

Even a slight breeze will cause her to sneeze,
Rattling her body from her head to knees.
It may make her veer to a new career,
But what else there is may still be unclear.

So if you too suffer from a sniffle,
Some medicine may be beneficial.
Then carry on with what you need to do
And be glad that itchy bee is not you.

Job Interview for Alligator

Some pets stay small for many a year
But not so for an alligator.
When big, he needs to find a career
And see a job evaluator.

He will charm few with his scary leer;
He’d make a frightful educator.
With his toothy grin so insincere,
He looks more like a terminator.

He likes belly and ground to be near;
Thus not a likely aviator.
At sports, he prefers best just to cheer,
But nobody hires a spectator.

Mucky holes that he digs are austere,
He’s not much of a decorator.
His grunts and bellows are harsh to hear
So he’s not singer nor orator.

In water, he is greatly to fear,
An underwater gladiator.
But afoot meals escape with a veer;
He’s not a quick-footed predator.

It seems, at last, no job will appear
For a lazy procrastinator.
He does nothing so well, it is clear.
So he should be a legislator.

In the Woods

In the woods near my home,
As a lad, I would roam.
It seemed big, way back then;
Kids are smaller than men.

So much to see in there;
Visit a friendly bear,
Pirates’ treasure to find,
Many tales fill the mind.

Explored for hours on end;
Whole days there, I could spend.
Back home, asked what I’d done,
Told Mom “No, nothing, none.”

Warts and All

The toad is quite fond of his warts;
You can’t convince him otherwise.
They help to woo cute toadettes’ hearts
And still hide from predators’ eyes.

The skunk revels in his foul smell;
He cares not if it offends you.
He won’t trade for Eau de Chanel;
With his scent, all give him his due.

The slug slides on his oozy slime,
But his goo isn’t an affliction.
It greatly improves travel time
And lowers the force of friction.

You may not want what they possess
And may not know its true value.
When you meet, look beyond the mess,
And they may become your pal too.

Your Pet Porcupine

When you have a pet porcupine,
You should pat with the greatest care.
There are sharp quills all down its spine
Where most other pets have soft hair.

You should choose too not to snuggle
Or to hug your friend very tight.
Playful wrestling is a struggle
Learning how to hold it just right.

It does not mean you cannot love
Such a prickly little buddy.
Be smart and get a good thick glove
So your hands do not get bloody.

You can with love give it a snack
And perhaps share your toys and balls.
Remember to stay a bit back
And remove the quills from your dolls.

The Light in the Tunnel

The light at the end of the tunnel may be good,
But maybe not so much the one in the middle.
Near the exit the light will be placed where it should,
But the one where it should not be is a riddle.

That is not to say all riddles are bad for you,
Nor that you can avoid all of your life’s tunnels.
You will sometimes need a tunnel to get you through,
Although they will limit your options like funnels.

That unexpected light may be another path
Or somebody coming the opposite way through.
It is best to be ready to redo your math
And change your course when it is what the clues tell you.

But remain thankful for whatever light there be
When you must travel where the darkness is the rule.
Seeing may not be knowing what it is you see,
But shutting your eyes is the practice of a fool.

Little Bear Got Lost

Little Bear woke from her nap
And went for a walk one day.
Noone asked where she would go,
So she simply did not say.

She wandered out the cave mouth
And then out of her front yard.
Someone should have stopped her then,
But nobody was on guard.

There was a scent in the breeze
Which she had not smelled before.
She had to know what it was
And so she went to explore.

She thought it came from the woods,
Somewhere amongst the tall trees.
The scent grew so very strong
That it almost made her sneeze.

Through the whole forest she went
And all the way down the hill.
She had never gone so far
And it gave her a big thrill.

She saw a strange kind of home
Made out of both stone and wood.
That was where the scent came from
And it smelled awfully good.

And through the hole in the wall,
She saw what she was smelling.
Three plates of pies sat out there
On the table in the dwelling.

One plate’s pie had cooled too much,
The big one had a huge bite,
But the small pie sitting there,
Well, it smelled really just right.

Little Bear climbed through the hole
To examine them up close.
‘Though it’s true, she ate all three,
She liked the little one most.

But it had been a long walk –
So tired after her snack –
She looked around for a while
And found three beds in the back.

One was way too tall to climb,
Another not much shorter.
The last was a bit small, but
Strong enough to support her.

And that is where they found her
When the Goldbergs came back home.
The girl wanted to keep her
And to share her brush and comb.

So Little Bear didn’t return
To her lost home in the wild.
Now she wears dresses and bows –
Whatever to please the child.

At last Bear’s parents gave up
And didn’t worry where she went.
And she does get pie each day
And so loves its taste and scent.

So be warned if you wander;
Take care following your nose.
If you eat too many pies,
You may outgrow your doll clothes.

Whales’ Tales

If you ride a whale today,
I suggest you hold on tight.
Best grip is the tail, they say,
But it still is quite a fight.

Some, I hear, prefer the spout
Way up on the giant’s back.
Be careful when he breathes out
Or you will smell his last snack.

Mighty fins are on the side
And mostly underwater.
Off is so easy to slide,
I do not think you oughta.

Safest is in the belly
If you do not mind the view.
It is also quite smelly –
It may not appeal to you.

Or you might stay on the boat
And not lean over so far.
Let’s obey the safety note –
And all get back to the car.

Miles’ Pet Octopus

Mommy? Daddy? May I have an octopus?
He could have the tub when he moved in with us.
When it was time for my bath, he could stay there,
And scrub my back and toes, and shampoo my hair.

What is more useful than a pet octopus?
Helping around the house, he is a big plus.
When I clean my room, he can give me a hand –
Really eight – he is like a whole cleaning band.

Please, please, please, may I have a pet octopus?
I will look after him – he would not be a fuss.
Check his water every day; bring his meal;
Walk him if he wants a walk – is it a deal?

No, I may not yet have a pet octopus.
Well, maybe … What about a pet platypus?

When Alice Met Cheshire

When Alice was a little girl,
Back before she became a cat,
Her head was spinning in a whirl,
So she found a rock and she sat.

In the oak tree above her head,
She saw a grin, smiling so broad.
“You are very happy,” she said.
“But yet, something seems kind of odd.

“You have many teeth, shining bright,
But have no body and no face.
Such a nice smile does not look right
With nothing to hold it in place.”

Cheshire grinned more as he appeared,
Growing by one stripe at a time.
An invisible cat is weird,
But it surely is not a crime.

“Now I can see you, pretty cat,
And you look oh-so much better.
I love your stripes, and must say, that
Would make such a lovely sweater.”

“And I see you too, pretty girl,
If indeed that is who you are.
A fine dress and hair with a curl,
As good as you have got so far.”

“I will grow to be a woman,
As the years pass along the way.
There is no need to rush the plan,
To be the lady I’ll be someday.”

“As you wish, if you don't wish more.
Grow, dear child, to be a lady
And you will have many a chore –
No time to lie where it’s shady.

“But I prefer to be a cat,
To nap, doze, sleep and rest all day,
To wake to eat and to get fat,
And to play only when I say.”

“But a girl cannot be a cat –
No more than I could start to fly.”
“Not with an attitude like that –
Not until you’re willing to try.”

“Oh, now, Cat, that is so silly.
Just why should I listen to you?”
“No, don’t listen to me really,
I don’t care what you care to do.”

And with a grin, Cheshire was gone,
Left without a wink or a scrunch.
And Alice awoke on the front lawn
And hurried inside for her lunch.

But she started to think that day
Of the easy life a cat led.
Such foolish thoughts are hard, they say,
To get out once they’re in your head.

So, maybe, if you can believe,
When you pet the cat on your lap,
Alice did figure how to achieve
A life with a lovely catnap.

Happy World UFO Day

Grandad, did you ever see an UFO?
Well, now, I guess I must say I do not know.
You mean you never saw a flying saucer.
Does it count if you’re the one to toss’er?
You have not seen strange lights in the sky.
Each night unvisited stars pass by.
I mean spaceships with alien men.
Would that include a Mexican?
The green guys from outer space!!!
I’d notice that face-to-face.
You don't have a wild tale?
I once rode on a whale.
Never beamed aboard?
Too much to afford.
Not even once?
I am no dunce.
No spaceship?
Not a trip.
Good night.
Sleep tight.
Sigh.
Bye.

I’m A Toad Again

(tune: On the Road Again, by Willie Nelson (1980))

I’m a toad again
That witch turned me into a toad again
My princess left me when my eye wandered
And here I am as a toad again

I’m a toad again
With my life going down the drain
Sitting in a pond, out in the pouring rain,
And here I am as a toad again

I’m a toad again
My bride was the daughter of the witch
Life with her was a strain
So to another I made a switch
And ‘cause of which

I’m a toad again
It just seem that’s my life’s bane
Seeing swarming flies coming at me again
Oh yum, I’m a toad again

Bargaining With A Witch

“I don’t want to be a frog” was my furtive plea.
“The taste of flies and such has no appeal for me;
If not warts, it will most certainly give me acne.
Do you have other choices of what I could be?”

“This is not a McDonalds,” said the angry witch,
“There is no menu for you to choose which is which
And I do not care how much frog skin makes you itch.”
She was getting madder; I could tell by her twitch.

“Well, I guess you are right; I am sorry I asked.
It is for you to select what curse will be cast.
I’d no thought to offend when by your house I passed –
‘Though this mistake is my first, let it be my last.”

“So, you will admit that you did me a great wrong,”
Said the witch, with a stare, so frightful and so strong.
“You trespassed in my woods where you did not belong
And you tortured my ears, singing that awful song.”

“That is what I did, and I readily concede,
That it’s hard to forgive such a dastardly deed.”
So elegantly sorry it was I did plead,
By the tear in her eye, I thought I would be freed.

But some small flaw in her character I did miss -
Perhaps, where her heart should be, she had an abyss.
So that, fair maiden, is why you find me like this.
Do you think you could spare me just one little kiss?

Monster Under My Bed?

When I asked who was under my bed,
“Well, not a monster” was what he said.
Before that reply I had my doubts,
If that indeed was his whereabouts.
But now I knew and I was quite sure –
‘Though not if to fear him less or more.

“If not a monster, then what are you?
And under my bed, what do you do?”
But he did not answer right away,
He needed to think of what to say.
How could he explain his presence there
In a way to calm me, not to scare?

“Oh, I am nothing much, made of fluff,
Dust bunnies, socks, and other lost stuff.
I never come out – I’m too afraid –
I do not like sun, only the shade.
I am no worse than dreams in your sleep
And believe secrets are made to keep.”

It made me think and try to fathom
The life of an underbed phantom.
In his place, quiet and secluded,
He has heard everything you did,
But if to Mom you don’t turn him in,
He won’t tell on you – that’s a win-win.

Dragon in the Garden

There is a dragon in the garden
Carefully pulling up unwanted weeds.
He asks each plant to beg his pardon,
But he needs the space to raise his seeds.
He loves the sight and scent of flowers
To bring forth their beauty to his plot
And will happily work many hours
Where weeds a place in his plan have not.

But this dragon is so kind-hearted,
He could wish no harm to each pulled weed.
So, to the side, a bed he started
With hopes that there they could succeed.
For a weed is still a living thing,
Although uninvited, even despised,
That struggles into its niche each spring
And can carry on unsupervised.

Many think a dragon too is bad
And fear and loathe him at the first sight.
He finds not a welcome to be had
And his new neighbors prepare to fight.
But if they give the dragon a chance
And pause to hear why he really came,
They may learn about his love of dance
And be invited to join his game.

Do not rush to discard the misplaced
If a proper new home can be found.
Do not treat the unplanned with distaste –
Think again and find the work-a-round,
First impressions are often shallow
With too little time to see what’s true.
Like weeds and dragons, please allow
We all have need to be someplace too.