The
Mission Statement
Gentlemen. Ladies. Thank you for
coming. If you could all please take your seats, we can get started
with today’s business.
In order for an organization to
coordinate its actions, the communication of a Mission Statement to
everyone, in and out of the organization, has been deemed very
important. We need everyone on the same page, sharing expectations
and direction. Therefore, at our meeting last week, we set today’s
agenda to the creation of the Conundrum’s Mission Statement. We
need to state who we are, what we intend to achieve,
and the principles which will guide us to our goals.
Mr. Chairman, if I may submit this
first draft for discussion:
“Conundrum Rules!”
Yes, thank you, Mr. Latimer. An
excellent slogan. Perhaps a bit too terse to convey the full
message, but a simple, easily understood summary. Our thanks to you
folks in Advertising for getting the ball rolling.
Mr. Chairman, we are a secret organization, n'est pas? The advertising it is outside our purpose.
Well, perhaps, Mlle Laflame, but
much of the power of a secret is in people knowing the secret exists
without knowing what the secret is. But you raise a good point in
defining who we are and how we prefer to work with undetected but
effective subtlety. Can somebody offer some phrasing to capture both
Mr. Latimer’s and Mlle Laflame’s ideas?
Perhaps:
“Conundrum
controls the economy through subterfuge.”
Thank you, Mr. Tao. More
discussion?
Yes. Trickery alone sometimes does
not get the job done, Mr. Chairman. We need to include some more
strong-armed means in that statement. The Tactics Division suggests
“by subterfuge, sabotage, and suppression.”
Ah, if we may also add. While
wealth may be largely concerned with the economy, our business has
other important dealing in people’s lives. International Affairs
Division seeks to exploit the cultural rifts for opportunities to
gain power and influence, often long before any actual capitalization
of the advantage can be realized.
Ja, and let us not forget the
resources in the physical world that we need to possess, develop, and
deliver. Logistics and Engineering support the insertion of
“environment” amongst the targeted elements.
Yes, thank you all. So we now have:
“Conundrum controls the economy, culture, and environment through subterfuge, sabotage, and suppression.”
Legal here. The word “controls”
seems unfocused. Mr. Tkazal in International uses a much stronger
word in explaining the process of locating and developing advantages
– exploit. The implication of the purpose in whatever
manipulations we may undertake is much clearer.
Mr. Chairman, I believe we also have
neglected to state what is the underlying purpose and value to be
achieved in our action. Who will benefit? What will that benefit
be?
Very good point. Anyone?
Well, us, of course. With money and
power to do whatever we want. Ba-ha-ha, so to speak.
Lacks specificity, but does provide
flexibility for future expansion.
Y’know, youse guys (and gals) at
the top of this pile needs to remember us in the ditches too. We
ain’t getting all the money and power to do whatever we wants, but
we’s part Conundrum’s success too. A little Conundrum applied
grease to ease our way through them problem moments makes it
worthwhile for us whilst we waits for ours bigger things to come.
Mr. Fingers, thank you for that
reminder. An enterprise of our nature does not rest on plans and
schemes alone without the staff to execute the necessary actions.
Our mission must include the inspiration to recruit, reward, retain,
and even advance our deserving minions.
Sir, Human Resources would like to
propose the following addition.
“Conundrum strives to maximize its wealth, power, and influence to ensure the comfort and freedom of action of its officers, employees, and friends. All others are either obstacles or resources to be harvested.”
Oh, my, yes,
Mrs. Gruber, that will certainly give staff and associates the
understanding and incentive to be on the right side of that
distinction. Might the Chair suggest we further qualified the
“employees” with the term “loyal” to establish a
properly elevated expectation of full-hearted participation in order
to gain the benefits?
Is there any more discussion? All
right then, the Conundrum Mission Statement shall be:
“Conundrum
exploits the economy, culture, and environment through subterfuge,
sabotage, and suppression. Conundrum strives to maximize its wealth,
power, and influence to ensure the comfort and freedom of action of
its officers, loyal employees, and friends. All others are either
obstacles or resources to be harvested.”
As this statement meets with
everyone’s satisfaction, Number Two, will you please see to its
publication and distribution? Meeting adjourned. Go find us some
more money, power, or whatever, everyone. That is your mission.
