My Stump Speech

You may ask me on what I stand,
Or maybe even how.
I might use any stump at hand
To say what they allow.
But I am lucky most the time,
For I don’t draw a crowd.
I hide my thoughts in silly rhyme
Which I don’t say aloud.

National Waffle Day

It’s a bad day to make a decision
For today is National Waffle Day.
The world is just so full of division;
It’s nice not to need to choose yea or nay.

Oh, you say that is not what this day means --
It’s to celebrate the noun, not the verb.
This day they patented waffle iron machines,
An historic event, oh so superb.

Well, we need something on which to agree,
Even if it’s silly and way out there.
Now what kind of waffle should you serve me --
Belgian or American, round or square?

Ballad of Henri

(tune: I’ll Be Seeing You
(Fain & Kahalm 1938))

Eye will be seen by you
In all the unfamiliar places
Where the smart of you braces
All day through

Out in Cape Cod way
The Narragansett Bay
The Long Island Sound
Connecticut
Like Middletown

Eye will be seen by you
On this very lovely summer day
When everything starts to sway
Eye always affect things that way

Eye will blot out the morning sun
And then blow all night through
Eye drops rain on everyone
Be sure, Eye will get you

Travelogue: Post-COVID? Vacation Songbook

On Vacation Again

(tune: On The Road Again
(Willie Nelson, 1980))

On vacation again
Just now choosing to leave the State again
The trips we couldn’t take with the virus back then
But with our shots we can travel again

On vacation again
Goin’ places now with our vaccine
Hopin’ folks we meet out there did not abstain
So we can safely go on vacation again.

On vacation again
Like a pair of gypsies we motor the highway
Not ready for a plane
Controlling our space as we travel on our way

And our way is vacation again
We couldn’t wait for this pandemic to end
Unused timeshare points were gnawing us like a pain
We just couldn’t wait to go on vacation again

---

What Did You Do On Vacation?

(tune: What Did You Learn In School Today
(Tom Paxton, 1963))

{Chorus}
    What did you do on vacation today,
    Bold traveler out there?
    What did you do on vacation today,
    Bold traveler out there?

I saw the trees and streams are still there;
I saw they are unchanged by the virus scare.
I saw the other folks' faces with no masks on;
They are seemingly blissful that task is gone.
And that’s what I did on vacation today
That’s what I did on vacation

    {Chorus}

We went to the welcome reception party;
It had lots of free food which we ate hearty.
Our appetites were satisfied to the seam,
So we skipped dinner, went back, and ate ice cream.
And that's what I did on vacation today
That’s what I did on vacation

    {Chorus}

I finger-painted lotion on my wife’s back;
She has a love of sun which I mostly lack.
I stayed inside with my coffee and laptop
While she went to swim laps, down and back, nonstop.
And that’s what I did on vacation today
That’s what I did on vacation

    {Chorus}

I waited in line to order barbeque;
It was only an hour but it felt like two.
People on vacation are a patient lot;
AC helps waiting when outside is so hot.
And that’s what I did on vacation today
That’s what I did on vacation

    {Chorus}

I settled down last night to watch Jeopardy,
But the resort has trouble with DirectTV.
It wasn’t back this morning, maybe not tonight;
I won’t know if I get the Final question right.
And that’s what I did on vacation today
That’s what I did on vacation

    {Chorus}

We drove through the Shenandoah National Park;
We looked around for wildlife before it got dark.
They say if you picnic to beware of bear,
But we only saw them in the gift shop there.
And that’s what I did on vacation today
That’s what I did on vacation

    {Chorus}

We had to switch units, so we went downtown;
In historic Harrisonburg we walked around.
When we saw enough, we thought where to go;
So my wife suggested, let’s go to Costco.
And that’s what I did on vacation today
That’s what I did on vacation

    {Chorus}

We went to the resort timesharers’ update;
They want to sell more ‘though what we have is great.
We never learn anything new in this rehash,
But let them talk through it, then they give us cash.
And that’s what I did on vacation today
That’s what I did on vacation

    {Chorus}

We signed up for a cooking demonstration;
If I tried it, it would be a cremation.
Although I cannot season or cook meat,
I was great at the part when we got to eat.
And that’s what I did on vacation today
That’s what I did on vacation

    {Chorus}

I went for a hike on the Appalachian Trail;
My climbing pace is about that of a snail.
Soon my car disappeared from my sight,
So I went back to check if it was alright.
And that’s what I did on vacation today
That’s what I did on vacation

    {Chorus}

Now the day has come for us our bags to pack;
We decide what to toss and what to take back.
Memories are most of what new we collected;
They take little room if our brains are connected.
And that’s what I did on vacation today
That’s what I did on vacation

---

We’re Driving in the Park

(tune: Singing in the Rain
(Freed & Brown, 1929))

We’re driving in the park,
Just driving in the park,
So glorious wheeling,
Out on a lark.
I sightsee the trees
That crowd all around.
I don’t feel the breeze;
My AC turned down.
Let the summer heat bake
Those we left in our wake.
We ate at Skyland
Topped with ice cream cake.
We drive and remark
Such fun on a lark
Just driving,
Driving in the park.

---

Here Comes The Rain

(tune: Here Comes The Sun
(George Harrision, 1967))

Here comes the rain, drip, drop, drip, Here comes the rain,
And I say it’s all wet

Oh my darling, it’s been a long dry sunny summer
Oh my darling, it’s been hard on golf courses here

Here comes the rain, drip, drop, drip, Here comes the rain,
And I say it’s all wet

Oh my darling, we had a week of nice weather
Oh my darling, we cannot have all days be clear

Here comes the rain, drip, drop, drip, Here comes the rain,
And I say it’s all wet

Rain, Rain, Rain, here it comes
Rain, Rain, Rain, here it comes
Rain, Rain, Rain, here it comes
Rain, Rain, Rain, here it comes

Oh my darling, it may clear again tomorrow
Oh my darling, until then we can snuggle near

Here comes the rain, drip, drop, drip, Here comes the rain,
And I say it’s all wet

---

Goin’ Home Day

(tune: My Way
(Frank Sinatra recorded 1968))

And now the end is near
And soon we near the final checkout
My friends, we’re out of here
It is the time for our homeward route
We’ve had our fun for sure
But now it’s back to the highway
We might want more than this
But it’s goin’ home day.

Rain days, we had a few
But then again, none were too gloomy.
We found things we could do
Even inside units were roomy
We did more than we planned
Found activities along the way
We might’ve done more than this
But it’s goin’ home day.

Yes, there were times when we thought of you
Not too many but more than a few
But through it all, we came for fun
And we’d get it until we’re done
We had a ball and did it all
But it’s goin’ home day

We drove, we ate and slept
We had our laughs and saw our sights
And not one tear was wept
Any problems were but mere slights
To think of all we did
To play our days away in our stay
Now it’s goin’ home day

For what is a trip, what do you earn?
If, to home, you do not return?
To see new things is truly fun
But you miss home comforts you’ve spun
Such fun to go to see life’s show
Now it’s goin’ home day

---

Shenandoah Vacation

(tune: Oh, Shenandoah)

Oh, Shenandoah,
I come to see you
I’m here, you rolling river.
Winding around,
It is such a view.
For two weeks I’ll stay
While I’m on vacation.

Oh, Shenandoah,
I love your valley
I’m here, you rolling river.
I feel so free
To dilly-dally.
For two weeks I’ll stay
While I’m on vacation.

Oh, Shenandoah,
I roam your forest
I’m here, you rolling river.
On the wild hills,
You’re nature’s florist.
For two weeks I’ll stay
While I’m on vacation.

Farewell, goodbye,
I must now leave you
Goin’ home, you rolling river.
Oh, so fondly
I bid you adieu.
Away, I’m going home
To my Green Mountains.

---

Living in Disarray

Give me my life of disarray;
I’ll find something to do today.
I need not sort and rearrange
To place my leavings back in range.

All will later be there to find
If and when a need comes to mind.
It’s not lost, just a mite misplaced;
Looking now would just be a waste.

Although things might be briefly found,
They would return when they’re set down.
While I search for this, I’ll see that,
And mentally I’ll switch tit for tat.

So learn to live in disarray;
It‘s easier to rest that way.
Use what comes to your mind or hand;
If it doesn’t fit, change what you planned.

If I Did Not Have You

I may pause to wonder what I would do
If, no longer, I could kvetch about you.
With no bureaucrats soundly to berate,
No phone marketers to intolerate,
No noisy neighbors in their own backyard,
No cheerful clerks or guides who try too hard.

What if we all shared the same politics?
Then where would we cast our sarcastic bricks?
What would make me shake my head in wonder
If our beliefs were not set asunder?
Thank goodness for our great diversity --
I almost thought I would criticize me.

If Ever You Would Leave Home

(tune: If Ever I Should Leave You
(Lerner & Loewe, 1960))

If ever you vacation, it shouldn’t be in summer,
For in summer is when the lawn grows.
The grass soaks up sunlight, soon it is knee high,
It chokes the mower, no matter how hard you try.

But if you ever leave home, it shouldn’t be in autumn
Leaves pile up in autumn every time the wind blows.
And all those chores undone now have only weeks
To be completed before frost nips your cheeks.

And can you leave your driveway clogged up with snow
It shows you’re away; every burglar will know.

If ever you would leave home, how could it be in springtime,
Weather in spring is as nice as home gets, you know.
Oh no, not in springtime, summer, winter, or fall
Own a house and you can never leave at all.

How to Handle a Bugbear

If you ever meet a bugbear,
I will tell you what you should do.
Inform him that you do not care
Even if he tries to eat you.
Tell him he might well break his teeth
When, on you, he attempts to chew --
Your flesh seems soft but underneath
Your bones are hard as ever grew.
Pity him his fearful hunger
And offer him friendly advice.
Point out that your sister’s younger
And she tastes at least twice as nice.

Addendum (in reply to my daughter):

'Though this worked for me as a boy,
I never told Sis ‘bout the ploy.
Sis was scary as she was nice --
Never saw the same bugbear twice.

Reunion L(I)

(EJHS Class of ‘70) August 7, 2021

For us, it has been fifty years
(Really a CO-VID fifty-one)
Since our high school graduation cheers
And our adult lives were begun.

Some of us still remained close by
And others roamed quite far away.
A few who gave elsewhere a try
Then came back here again to stay.

We’re not all here to reunite --
Others are in our memories.
Let’s chat with all those here tonight
And greet those not in reveries.

Better Poetry Thru Engineering

Rich careers as an English major,
Likely as a five foot six cager,
Too improbable for some to hope,
So they become engineers to cope.

‘Though hidden are these poetic souls,
Who choose tech skills to pay their life tolls,
They are neither lost nor fully gone
When a chance for a rhyme comes along.

We try to follow the rule of thumb --
If not clever, do not be too dumb.
For a poem, choose who will judge it --
A careful choice will let you fudge it.

Between the lab of a thought so sage
Are strewn many hurdles to the page.
In theory the concept was quite clear
As it bounced incomplete ear-to-ear.

But now one must work out all the kinks
To produce from what one merely thinks.
Consult the tables, see what can work,
Twist it to fit, and give it a jerk.

So maybe it is not what you meant,
Your original thought is quite bent.
But now you have a real thing to fly,
So put it out there - give it a try.

Armchair Olympics

Olympics: Faster, Higher, Stronger.
Us Oldsters: Smarter. Harder. Longer.
That which they seemingly do with ease --
The mere watching it can make us wheeze.

For them, it is a dreamed lifetime thrill.
For the rest, it’s hours of TV fill.
For them, goal to be victorious.
For us, it’s to feel vicarious.

The athletes have their multiple heats,
Wins, medals, and agony of defeats.
Amateur or pro, let them have fame,
Let them sweat, train and strain for their game.

Give us the five-minute frig relay,
The armchair dismount, and instant replay.
We’ll watch sponsors’ ads, consume their wares,
To do our part when Olympics airs.