Christmas Songs You Have Not Heard (and Never Will Again)

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If you need more:
Shopping Visit With COVID
Dreaming of COVID Christmas
Ponytail for Christmas
When Dragons Came for Christmas
Corrections Carols
The Municipal Office Party

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The Reindeer’s Olympics

(tune: The Teddy Bear’s Picnic
(tune by Bratton (1907), lyrics by Kennedy (1932))

If you go to the North Pole today,
You may not believe your eyes.
If you go to the North Pole today,
You are in for a surprise.
For all reindeer who live thereabout
Gather together to cheer and shout
For today is when reindeer hold their Olympics.

Every reindeer, whether young or old, are on their feet today
There’s lots of marvelous things to see and wonderful games to play
Upon the snow where all can see
They’ll run and leap with their great esprit
For today is when reindeer hold their Olympics.

Olympics games for reindeer
The test to find their best with the skills that Santa soon will need
Test them, choose them every year
And find the highest flyers of their breed

See them gaily prance about
And take flight at a shout
Some may fly, some not quite
At the games’ end, Santa will decide who
Will go with him to train to
Pull Santa’s sleigh on Christmas night

If you go to the North Pole today,
You may not believe your eyes.
If you go to the North Pole today,
You are in for a surprise.
For all reindeer who live thereabout
Gather together to cheer and shout
For today is when reindeer hold their Olympics.

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I Saw Daddy Catching Santa Claus

(tune: I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus,
Tommie Connor (1952))

I saw Daddy catching Santa Claus
Underneath the mistletoe with Mom.
He did not seem pleased
When he saw how she teased.
He exploded like a bomb
When Santa’s beard Daddy seized.

Then I saw Daddy choking Santa Claus
Underneath his beard so snowy white
Oh, what a scream then I could hear
With Mom yelling in Daddy’s ear
That he was squeezing Santa too tight.

He saw Daddy choking Santa Claus.
I did! I really did see Daddy choking Santa Claus.
I think Daddy’s been bad.

Then I saw Daddy throwing Santa Claus
Out the door and into the snowbank
He yelled, “Stay away from my wife
If you want to keep your life --
I don’t care how much eggnog you drank.”

He saw Daddy fighting Santa Claus.
I did! I really did see Daddy fighting Santa Claus.
I think Daddy’s been bad.

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They Came Out of the Starry Sky

(tune: It Came Upon The Midnight Clear,
Sears & Willis (1849-1850))

They came out of the starry sky,
That fantastic team of deer,
Pulling his sleigh across the air,
They came again this year.
Oh, hooves in flight, above the roof,
Delivering presents from on high.
Children sneaking from their beds
To see if reindeer fly.

Upon their cloven feet they strode,
Prancing lightly on cloudy mists.
They need to reach in that one night
Each child on Santa’s lists.
Above any terrain below,
‘Tis their job; they do not ask why,
Nor ask they when or where or how
That those reindeer can fly.

Yet with the doubts in adult minds,
We may wonder what keeps them up.
Is it the dreams of wee children
Or oats on which they sup?
Physics claims it cannot be done
No matter how hard reindeer try.
But children know, if we do not,
That reindeer indeed fly.

For lo! The kids have seen the books
And the stories on the TV.
They’re taught to trust their Mom and Dad
And believe what they see.
Parents, beware of what you say
And don’t let children hear you lie.
By Santa’s beard, solemnly swear
That reindeer really fly.

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Ads, Humbug

(tune: Greensleeves)

Alas that time has come again
To tick you off so thoroughly
And jingle singing will begin
Annoying with its revelry

Don’t let their joy annoy
Don’t let it make you blue
Don’t let in too much to cloy
And don’t let the humbugs bite you

They come to sell this time of year
To milk your generosity
They offer up good deals and cheer
Mixed well with their pomposity

Don’t let their joy annoy
Don’t let it make you blue
Don’t let in too much to cloy
And don’t let the humbugs bite you

You may choose what you will ignore
Dismiss their Frosty and Santa
You just keep the parts you adore
And sort the pitch from the manna

Don’t let their joy annoy
Don’t let it make you blue
Don’t let in too much to cloy
And don’t let the humbugs bite you

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Grandma’s Out Hunting For Reindeer

(tune: Grandma Got Run Over by a Reindeer,
Randy Brooks (1978))

Grandma’s out hunting for those reindeer
Who tried to run her over last night.
We may tell her she should let it go,
But Grandma won’t give up without a fight.

We found her in the snow this morning –
We thought she was dead by reindeer paws.
We put her on the couch and called Doc,
But now she’s angrier as she thaws.
She says the fat guy did it on purpose –
He was laughing as they launched the attack.
We told her to lay down and rest there,
But she swears she’s gonna get him back.

Grandma’s out hunting for those reindeer
Who tried to run her over last night.
We may tell her she should let it go,
But Grandma won’t give up without a fight.

We are trying to have a happy Christmas
While Grandma’s gathering up her gear.
We are unwrapping our Christmas presents
And Grandma’s getting ready to track deer.
We tell her Santa is a kindly soul
That none have ever found menace in.
But Grandma is so very determined –
Maybe our dinner will be venison.

Grandma’s out hunting for those reindeer
Who tried to run her over last night.
We may tell her she should let it go,
But Grandma won’t give up without a fight.

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Ponytail for Christmas

(tune: I'm Getting Nuttin' for Christmas)

I broke so bad all my habits
Corona’s gotten to me
I lived like cloistered abbots
Corona’s gotten to me
I hunkered down in my house
Just me and my patient spouse
Precaution let nothing us rouse
Corona’s gotten to me

     Oh, I’m getting a ponytail for Christmas
     My hair has grown way out to there
     I’m getting a ponytail for Christmas
     ‘Cause I haven’t seen a barber all year.

I sat all day in my easy chair
Corona’s gotten to me
Active as a sleeping bear
Corona’s gotten to me
I watched TV as in a trance,
Gave no risk the slightest chance,
Saw the world with a passing glance
Corona’s gotten to me

     Oh, I’m getting a ponytail for Christmas
     My hair has grown way out to there
     I’m getting a ponytail for Christmas
     ‘Cause I haven’t seen a barber all year.

I had no reason to groom
Corona’s gotten to me
When I never left the room
Corona’s gotten to me
But, wait, my wife is ready to flip
With scissors in hand to neatly clip
From my head my locks to strip
Corona’s gotten to me

     I’ll not get a ponytail for Christmas
     Nor wear my long hair in a bow
     I’ll not get a ponytail for Christmas
     ‘Cause my wife is my barber now.

Shopping Visit with COVID

Thanks to Clement Clarke Moore for the poetic bones

‘Twas a month before Christmas, we were stuck in the house,
Nobody out shopping, just me and my mouse;
The stockings were unstuffed, limp in their hooks,
In hopes that we could fill them from our PC notebooks.
The children were oblivious of the changes this year,
With heads full of excitement that Christmas was near.
But mamma with her wish list and I at my screen
Were settling down with a large pot of caffeine.

We fired up the laptop and started its browser,
Mamma the navigator and I the clicking mouser.
Up flew the windows full of treasures and trash,
All available for a few piles of our cash.
The glow from the laptop upon our faces
Added to the allure of the digital showcases.
I feared I would be an all-night web hopper,
When up popped an online personal shopper.

An animated avatar with a gleaming smile
Was eager to complete our shopping profile.
As rapid as bits and bytes of data could fly,
She compiled the info she needed to buy.
“Now Macy’s, now Ebay, now Target and Costco,
On Amazon, Etsy, and on The Home Depot.
Into the online cart! Onto your credit card!
Holiday shopping does not need to be hard.”

As snowflakes are entrancingly tossed on the breeze,
Costs mounded with taxes, shipping and handling fees.
So up to our credit limits, the purchases grew;
Gifts for children, parents, and the mailman, too.
With sounds of coins tinkling, I thought of my bank
And how quickly then my account balances sank.
As I shrugged and watched her continue to shop,
I wondered what on earth could make her stop.

She was drawn on my screen as small lively elf,
Resembling somewhat the imp on our shelf.
A clipboard of our data she held in her arm,
With sprinkles of glitter enhancing her charm.
Ages, sexes, sizes, and dietary restrictions
She spun together for purchase predictions.
She knew all the sites where to find the best deal,
And when she found one, she gave the cutest squeal.

Gladly, she auto-filled the forms for each order,
Arranging the best terms the site would accord her.
With a check off her list, she moved on to the next,
Confirming the details recorded in the specs.
She took such joy fulfilling each requested task
With so much verve, we clicked “yes” when she would ask.
A wink of her eye as I watched her fudge it,
Soon made me trust she would stay within our budget.

Without a pause, she did our whole shopping list,
Each gift bought, shipped, and electronically kissed.
She asked if there was more she could do today
And requested we complete the company’s survey.
We thanked her profusely and saw her pink blush,
And with other users waiting, she needed to rush.
As she faded from the screen, I thought I could hear,
“That was a blast! Let’s do it again next year!”

Dreaming of COVID Christmas

(tune: White Christmas)

I’m dreaming of COVID Christmas
Unlike any I’ve known before.
Where joy seems trying
And we’re all sighing
To rue changes we can’t ignore.

I’m dreaming of COVID Christmas
With every card I write tonight.
May your house be safe and airtight
And may you get this card alright.

I’m dreaming of COVID Christmas
Like I hope we’ll not have again.
We hope to see your smiles
When we can travel miles
To share a happy refrain.

I’m dreaming of COVID Christmas
As a bygone and faded memory.
May we get through this and be free
To gather around next year’s tree.

The Municipal Office Party

The Policeman’s Carol

(Melody: It Came Upon A Midnight Clear)

If I could have one wish each year
To share with one and all.
It would be for a season clear
Of fights, from guns to brawl;
“Peace everyone, please walk away,
Leave, even in a huff.
But let us have calm on this day --
Non-violence is enough.”

Still I know laws will be broken,
I must yet go to work.
Angry, harsh words will be spoken --
There’ll always be some jerk.
But for one day, if not a week,
Hold your fury within;
We’ll not slap your proffered cheek
When on your heel you spin.

The world will ever have its strife
And chafe as heads collide.
We all want to live our safe life --
To each their faith abide.
You need not wish me Christmas cheer
Or Happy Hanukkah,
Or whatever you have at end of year,
Festivus or Kwanzaa.

Please find your way to allow peace
To visit everyone.
Let me patrol in silent ease
And never draw my gun.
And if my wish could come this once,
We all would feel some hope
That to believe doesn’t make a dunce --
In harmony, we can cope.

---

The Fireman’s Carol

(Melody: Up on the House Top)

Up on the rooftop, firemen climb,
To fight a fire caused by grime.
Down in the chimney are lots of flames --
There is no time for holiday games.

REFRAIN:
Creosote! Oh, no, no!
Creosote! Oh, no, no!
Check up the chimney, quick, quick, quick,
Each year before that lighter you click.

First goes the flue, inferno hot,
Oh, dear, here’s another spot;
It burns through the wall to your surprise
As you watch it spread before your eyes.

REFRAIN.

Next, the bedroom of Ma and Pa;
Burns all like it’s made of straw.
There go the drapes, clothes and the bed --
Hope you get out before you’re all dead.

REFRAIN

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The Snowplow Driver’s Carol

(Melody: Let it Snow)

O, winter weather is at last coming
And soon my truck will be humming;
I’ll plow you a way to go --
Let It Snow! Let It Snow! Let It Snow!

I hope it’s not soon stopping
So I can pay for my wife’s shopping;
My checkbook is running low --
Let It Snow! Let It Snow! Let It Snow!

When we finally get a good dump
How I love to get out in my truck!
Your car is now a snowy lump,
But I will never get stuck.

The piles are steadily climbing
And I weary with overtiming
But as long as my truck will go --
Let It Snow! Let It Snow! Let It Snow!

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The School Teacher’s Carol

(Melody: O Little Town of Bethlehem)

In our town school’s gymnasium,
We met to say goodbye.
To home you’re gone on vacation --
I let out a big sigh.
Yet in my nightly dreams lurk
Your ever-grinning face,
The smiling masses of all the classes
Follow me every place.

For peace and rest I yearn,
To rewind my mind’s clock,
While parents weep for you to keep
Running amok in house and block.
O when the holidays end
And rings the school bell clear
And bus by bus on me you’re thrust,
I’ll hold you again dear.

But silently, please silently,
Let my break be my own!
Please leave my brain with no refrain
From life in the school zone.
No ear can hear you drumming,
Inside my poor brain pan,
But I still know that’s where you go,
To haunt my holiday plan.

O little child of our fair town
Go home for now and play.
Forget lessons and my questions --
There’ll be no test today.
We’ll sing our cheerful carols
And play our reindeer games,
But you at home, and me alone,
As the school board proclaims.

---

The Mayor Carol

(Melody: Joy to the World)

Joy to you all! The Mayor’s here;
Get the party in gear;
Let all employees raise up their beer,
And shout a mighty cheer,
And shout a mighty cheer,
And shout, and shout a mighty cheer.

Joy to you all! The Mayor serves;
Let votes decide who wins;
Let’s use some of the town’s reserves
To hire some violins,
To hire some violins,
To hire, to hire some violins.

He will spread the taxes to all,
To each department found;
He’ll fund every budget call
As far as it’ll go ‘round,
As far as it’ll go ‘round,
As far, as far as it’ll go ‘round.

He rules the town with charm and grace,
And shakes anyone’s hand,
With the twinkling smile on his face,
And arm twists from his band,
And arm twists from his band,
Arm twists, and arm twists from his band.

---

The Tax Payer & Tax Collector Duet

(Melody: Baby, It’s Cold Outside)

We really can’t pay --- Lady, it’s your fair share
You don’t hear what I say --- It’s not that I don’t care
This meeting has been --- My calculations you’ve seen
A waste of time --- Maybe I can save you a dime.

My mother turned off the heat --- You’ve two thousand square feet,
Father closed the second floor --- A garage through the kitchen door;
So this bill we just can’t meet --- Such a pretty little street.
Collectors knocking at the door --- I wouldn’t guess you’re so poor.

The neighbors will talk --- Lady, we’ll fix this thing
When at bills we balk --- With some extra tax filing;
I wish I knew how --- We’ll report your income now
To win the lottery --- And adjust for your poverty.

You’ve been so very nice --- I easily would do it twice
Your kindness I hope to repay --- Just goodbye and be on your way.
We are saved by law --- From deep pockets we draw
Others will pay that fair share.

I really could stay --- I was just doing my job
And my gratitude pay --- You’re making my head throb
For service oh so grand --- Please let go of my hand
That gave me peace --- Leave now or I’ll call the police.

What joy I will feel tomorrow --- What trouble did I borrow
With one less bill that’s still due --- In finding the way to help you
Now I won’t pay --- That’s what the laws say,
Others will pay that fair share,
Oh, others pay the fair share,
Yes, others pay our fair share.

When Dragons Came for Christmas

When Dragons Came for Christmas

To Melody of: Frosty The Snowman

Clarence the Dragon came home from the department store
With his soft green skin, and those wings of blue,
And the happy grin he wore.
Clarence the Dragon was a Toys for Tots gift;
He was stuffed with fluff, for a child to love,
But he gave my heart a lift.

He sat in the livingroom
And watched the T.V. with us.
He was fine with whatever was on
And he never made a fuss.

Clara the Dragon came to join him the next week
And quickly she sat right down at his side
And nuzzled up cheek to cheek

Snuggly snug snug, snuggly snug snug,
Look at Clarence smile.
Snuggly snug snug, snuggly snug snug,
They’ll be here for a while.

Both of those Dragons decided they would settle in,
So they dressed up as Thanksgiving pilgrims
And help us feast with our kin.
When the Christmas tree was decorated and lit,
They put on their next holiday caps
And had their own stockings knit.

They moved right in to heart and home
And brighten up the place
With thoughts of a child yet to come
And the smile on her face.

Clarence and Clara, soon they will have to leave us here,
But as we say goodbye, with a heartfelt sigh,
We’ll be filled with Christmas cheer.

D.O.C. Office Party

Corrections Carols

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The Prisoners’ Carol

To Melody of : O, Christmas Tree

O, D.O.C., O, D.O.C.,
Your prison bars confine us.
O, D.O.C., O, D.O.C.,
May prison soon refine us.
You teach us what is right and wrong.
You teach us how to get along.
O, D.O.C., O, D.O.C.,
May prison soon refine us.

O, D.O.C., O, D.O.C.,
You give our life such structure.
O, D.O.C., O, D.O.C.,
You give our life such structure.
And when we return to our homes
Better thoughts will now fill our domes.
O, D.O.C., O, D.O.C.,
You give our life such structure.

O, D.O.C., O, D.O.C.,
Your prison bars confine us.
O, D.O.C., O, D.O.C.,
May prison soon refine us.
You teach us what is right and wrong.
You teach us how to get along.
O, D.O.C., O, D.O.C.,
May prison soon refine us.

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Go Rest You Weary Officer

To Melody of: God Rest You Merry, Gentlemen.

Go rest you weary officer,
Leave your woes behind here.
Remember the next shift
Will now put on their gear
To relieve you from the stress
When inmates start to wear.
O time off for leisure and home,
Leisure and home
O time off for leisure and home.

In bed so snug, in your own home,
You can catch up on your sleep
And dream in peaceful rest
‘Til your alarm does beep.
A few hours of your own,
Remaining day does creep.
O time off for leisure and home,
Leisure and home
O time off for leisure and home.

Soon enough you return again
To take your daily post
And guard all those poor souls
In the imprisoned host. 
How you will guide them from the wrong
Where your help is needed most.
‘Til time off for leisure and home,
Leisure and home
‘Til time off for leisure and home.

“Fear not,” says your supervisor,
“You are the one in charge.
The inmates will work the rules,
But obey, by and large,
Remain firm and be vigilant,
And your duty fairly discharge,
‘Til time off for leisure and home,
Leisure and home
‘Til time off for leisure and home.”

You used your training every hour
To maintain the site’s calm.
You faced conflict ‘fore it starts
And dealt with great aplomb.
You ran your unit as it should,
Part sheriff and part Mom.
Now, time off for leisure and home,
Leisure and home
O time off for leisure and home.

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Way Out On A Bender

To Melody of: Away In A Manger.

Way out on a bender, too drunk to see straight,
He swerved from the highway and hit the park gate.
Stars twinkled above as he passed out below,
That very drunk driver to prison will go.

It was not his first time reckless at the wheel,
And the judge was less willing to make a deal.
“Your mother may love you and think you are sweet,
But to the rest of us, you belong off the street.”

“So cool your heels awhile and clean up your act,
Six months to serve is the penalty we exact.”
He sits in his jail cell as holidays pass
To reflect how alcohol should not mix with gas.

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‘Cause DOC is Watching You Now

To Melody of: Santa Claus Is Coming To Town

You better watch out.
You better not stray.
You better behave
Both night and day
‘Cause D.O.C. is watching you now.

They have your charges,
Sentences too.
Better be careful what you do
‘Cause D.O.C. is watching you now.

They check in when you sleeping
And know when you’re awake.
The E.M. tells them where you go,
They are very hard to shake.

You better watch out.
You better not stray.
You better behave
Both night and day
‘Cause D.O.C. is watching you now.

With officers on the street
Checking everyone on their beat,
The D.O.C. is watching you now.
 At jobs and home, with whomever meets you,
They make sure you are staying on cue,
‘Cause D.O.C. is watching you now.

The neighbors will be happy

To know you’re doing well.
If you stop being scrappy
And get off that worn path to Hell.

So! You better watch out.
You better not stray.
You better behave
Both night and day
‘Cause D.O.C. is watching you now.

They check in when you sleeping
And know when you’re awake.
The EM tells them where you go;
They are very hard to shake.

You better watch out.
You better not stray.
You better behave
Both night and day
‘Cause D.O.C. is watching you now.

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Did You Learn What I Taught?

To Melody of: Do You Hear What I Hear?

Said the teacher to the inmate,
Did you learn what I taught?
Up here on the board of slate,
Did you learn what I taught?
A fact, a fact,
Simple in its way
With value if you tuck away,
With value if you tuck away.

Said the parolee to his employer,
Do you see my degree?
I’m working to be a lawyer,
Do you see my G.E.D.?
A start, a start
Upon which to build,
To become somebody more skilled,
To become somebody more skilled.

Said the employer to the governor,
Do you know what I know?
Corrections molded me a learner,
Do you know what will grow?
A seed, a seed,
Planted in knowledge,
Can a mis-started life salvage,
Can a mis-started life salvage.

Said the governor to all the people,
Let us spend taxes wisely.
Proclaim it from hall and steeple,
With our schools, be not miserly.
The stray, the stray,
Can be brought back home,
And needs not hopelessly roam,
And needs not hopelessly roam.

------------------------------

The Good DOC Commissioner

To Melody of: Good King Wenceslas.

The Commissioner looked on
The work of Corrections,
And proudly his eye was drawn
To all fulfilling their missions.
With duty, they bent to task,
‘Though often unnoticed,
Performing all he did ask,
To leave no detail missed.

“Deputy, come stand by me,
And help me solve this puzzle.
What thought have you of how we
Can reward such bustle?”
“Sir, there’s hardly any money.
Budget’s tight, costs mounting;
It’s long since times were sunny,
According to accounting.”

“Bring me pad, and bring me pen,
Let’s brainstorm ideas;
A snack maybe, now and then,
Or coupons for tortillas.”
The two of them went to work
To find a way to say,
From the top to lowest clerk,
We owe more than we pay.

“Sir, perhaps we should say that,
As often as we can.
For them, we’ll go to the mat,
As they do, to a man.”
“In their footsteps, we should walk
With the devotion they show,
And with our acts, as much as talk,
Remember the debt we owe.”

So, led by them, he leads them,
With determined drive
To make a workplace gem
Where all can work and thrive.
Let us appreciate the boss
As he does of us all,
And join him in shared sauce
To answer duty’s call.

 -------------------------------------------------

Rudolph, the Under-aged Felon

To Melody of: Rudolph, the Red-Nosed Reindeer.

Rudolph, the under-aged felon,

Was caught while in the act.

But even though you saw him

He would just deny the fact.

Nobody could ever trust him

Nor would even turn their back,

Lest they became the victim

Of Rudolph's next attack.

Then one Marine recruiter came

To offer some hope:

"Rudolph, you're so fill of fight,

Why not serve your country right"?

Now everyone claps with pride

And cheers him when they can.

Rudolph, you under-aged felon,

You're off to Afghanistan.

------------------------------------
 

The Workcrew Carol

To Melody of: Deck the Halls.

Paint the walls and clean the highway,

Fa la la la la, la la la la.

Service hours is how you repay,

Fa la la la la, la la la la.

For the harm you did to others

Fa la la, la la la, la la la.

Bringing shame to dads and mothers,

Fa la la, la la la, la la la.
  

See the happy people greet you,

Fa la la la la, la la la la.

Here is a chance to start anew,

Fa la la la la, la la la la.

Replace the bad with good deeds,

Fa la la, la la la, la la la.

Relieve instead of cause the needs.

Fa la la, la la la, la la la.
 

Feel your value in your labors,

Fa la la la la, la la la la.

As you help, not hurt, your neighbors.

Fa la la la la, la la la la.

You'll feel better for what you do,

Fa la la, la la la, la la la.

And now follow a path that's true

Fa la la, la la la, la la la.

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Gathering 'Round the Holiday Tree

Gathering 'Round the Holiday Tree

There are those who say,

In these times of holiday,

That all trees which shine

Are only Christmas divine.

They protest to share

All the decorated glare

With whom believe not

The Christmas tale they were taught.

Which of the magi

Was the tree-toting wise guy?

Did a shepherd haul

The tree to the scene natal?

Maybe I have missed

That gift on the baby's list,

But it's likely true

That elsewhere this folklore grew.

Evergreen brings life

Inside through the winter strife.

Pagans sought its charm

To help them feel safe and warm.

As the sun climbs back

From the deep point on its track,

The memory of spring

To those fragrant boughs does cling.

Christians it deplored

As a mockery of their Lord.

Many centuries passed

Ere with Christmas it was cast.

With food, ball, and light

They covered that borrowed sight.

Not in manger born,

But from ancient customs torn.