My Stump Speech

You may ask me on what I stand,
Or maybe even how.
I might use any stump at hand
To say what they allow.
But I am lucky most the time,
For I don’t draw a crowd.
I hide my thoughts in silly rhyme
Which I don’t say aloud.

National Waffle Day

It’s a bad day to make a decision
For today is National Waffle Day.
The world is just so full of division;
It’s nice not to need to choose yea or nay.

Oh, you say that is not what this day means --
It’s to celebrate the noun, not the verb.
This day they patented waffle iron machines,
An historic event, oh so superb.

Well, we need something on which to agree,
Even if it’s silly and way out there.
Now what kind of waffle should you serve me --
Belgian or American, round or square?

Ballad of Henri

(tune: I’ll Be Seeing You
(Fain & Kahalm 1938))

Eye will be seen by you
In all the unfamiliar places
Where the smart of you braces
All day through

Out in Cape Cod way
The Narragansett Bay
The Long Island Sound
Connecticut
Like Middletown

Eye will be seen by you
On this very lovely summer day
When everything starts to sway
Eye always affect things that way

Eye will blot out the morning sun
And then blow all night through
Eye drops rain on everyone
Be sure, Eye will get you

Travelogue: Post-COVID? Vacation Songbook

On Vacation Again

(tune: On The Road Again
(Willie Nelson, 1980))

On vacation again
Just now choosing to leave the State again
The trips we couldn’t take with the virus back then
But with our shots we can travel again

On vacation again
Goin’ places now with our vaccine
Hopin’ folks we meet out there did not abstain
So we can safely go on vacation again.

On vacation again
Like a pair of gypsies we motor the highway
Not ready for a plane
Controlling our space as we travel on our way

And our way is vacation again
We couldn’t wait for this pandemic to end
Unused timeshare points were gnawing us like a pain
We just couldn’t wait to go on vacation again

---

What Did You Do On Vacation?

(tune: What Did You Learn In School Today
(Tom Paxton, 1963))

{Chorus}
    What did you do on vacation today,
    Bold traveler out there?
    What did you do on vacation today,
    Bold traveler out there?

I saw the trees and streams are still there;
I saw they are unchanged by the virus scare.
I saw the other folks' faces with no masks on;
They are seemingly blissful that task is gone.
And that’s what I did on vacation today
That’s what I did on vacation

    {Chorus}

We went to the welcome reception party;
It had lots of free food which we ate hearty.
Our appetites were satisfied to the seam,
So we skipped dinner, went back, and ate ice cream.
And that's what I did on vacation today
That’s what I did on vacation

    {Chorus}

I finger-painted lotion on my wife’s back;
She has a love of sun which I mostly lack.
I stayed inside with my coffee and laptop
While she went to swim laps, down and back, nonstop.
And that’s what I did on vacation today
That’s what I did on vacation

    {Chorus}

I waited in line to order barbeque;
It was only an hour but it felt like two.
People on vacation are a patient lot;
AC helps waiting when outside is so hot.
And that’s what I did on vacation today
That’s what I did on vacation

    {Chorus}

I settled down last night to watch Jeopardy,
But the resort has trouble with DirectTV.
It wasn’t back this morning, maybe not tonight;
I won’t know if I get the Final question right.
And that’s what I did on vacation today
That’s what I did on vacation

    {Chorus}

We drove through the Shenandoah National Park;
We looked around for wildlife before it got dark.
They say if you picnic to beware of bear,
But we only saw them in the gift shop there.
And that’s what I did on vacation today
That’s what I did on vacation

    {Chorus}

We had to switch units, so we went downtown;
In historic Harrisonburg we walked around.
When we saw enough, we thought where to go;
So my wife suggested, let’s go to Costco.
And that’s what I did on vacation today
That’s what I did on vacation

    {Chorus}

We went to the resort timesharers’ update;
They want to sell more ‘though what we have is great.
We never learn anything new in this rehash,
But let them talk through it, then they give us cash.
And that’s what I did on vacation today
That’s what I did on vacation

    {Chorus}

We signed up for a cooking demonstration;
If I tried it, it would be a cremation.
Although I cannot season or cook meat,
I was great at the part when we got to eat.
And that’s what I did on vacation today
That’s what I did on vacation

    {Chorus}

I went for a hike on the Appalachian Trail;
My climbing pace is about that of a snail.
Soon my car disappeared from my sight,
So I went back to check if it was alright.
And that’s what I did on vacation today
That’s what I did on vacation

    {Chorus}

Now the day has come for us our bags to pack;
We decide what to toss and what to take back.
Memories are most of what new we collected;
They take little room if our brains are connected.
And that’s what I did on vacation today
That’s what I did on vacation

---

We’re Driving in the Park

(tune: Singing in the Rain
(Freed & Brown, 1929))

We’re driving in the park,
Just driving in the park,
So glorious wheeling,
Out on a lark.
I sightsee the trees
That crowd all around.
I don’t feel the breeze;
My AC turned down.
Let the summer heat bake
Those we left in our wake.
We ate at Skyland
Topped with ice cream cake.
We drive and remark
Such fun on a lark
Just driving,
Driving in the park.

---

Here Comes The Rain

(tune: Here Comes The Sun
(George Harrision, 1967))

Here comes the rain, drip, drop, drip, Here comes the rain,
And I say it’s all wet

Oh my darling, it’s been a long dry sunny summer
Oh my darling, it’s been hard on golf courses here

Here comes the rain, drip, drop, drip, Here comes the rain,
And I say it’s all wet

Oh my darling, we had a week of nice weather
Oh my darling, we cannot have all days be clear

Here comes the rain, drip, drop, drip, Here comes the rain,
And I say it’s all wet

Rain, Rain, Rain, here it comes
Rain, Rain, Rain, here it comes
Rain, Rain, Rain, here it comes
Rain, Rain, Rain, here it comes

Oh my darling, it may clear again tomorrow
Oh my darling, until then we can snuggle near

Here comes the rain, drip, drop, drip, Here comes the rain,
And I say it’s all wet

---

Goin’ Home Day

(tune: My Way
(Frank Sinatra recorded 1968))

And now the end is near
And soon we near the final checkout
My friends, we’re out of here
It is the time for our homeward route
We’ve had our fun for sure
But now it’s back to the highway
We might want more than this
But it’s goin’ home day.

Rain days, we had a few
But then again, none were too gloomy.
We found things we could do
Even inside units were roomy
We did more than we planned
Found activities along the way
We might’ve done more than this
But it’s goin’ home day.

Yes, there were times when we thought of you
Not too many but more than a few
But through it all, we came for fun
And we’d get it until we’re done
We had a ball and did it all
But it’s goin’ home day

We drove, we ate and slept
We had our laughs and saw our sights
And not one tear was wept
Any problems were but mere slights
To think of all we did
To play our days away in our stay
Now it’s goin’ home day

For what is a trip, what do you earn?
If, to home, you do not return?
To see new things is truly fun
But you miss home comforts you’ve spun
Such fun to go to see life’s show
Now it’s goin’ home day

---

Shenandoah Vacation

(tune: Oh, Shenandoah)

Oh, Shenandoah,
I come to see you
I’m here, you rolling river.
Winding around,
It is such a view.
For two weeks I’ll stay
While I’m on vacation.

Oh, Shenandoah,
I love your valley
I’m here, you rolling river.
I feel so free
To dilly-dally.
For two weeks I’ll stay
While I’m on vacation.

Oh, Shenandoah,
I roam your forest
I’m here, you rolling river.
On the wild hills,
You’re nature’s florist.
For two weeks I’ll stay
While I’m on vacation.

Farewell, goodbye,
I must now leave you
Goin’ home, you rolling river.
Oh, so fondly
I bid you adieu.
Away, I’m going home
To my Green Mountains.

---

Living in Disarray

Give me my life of disarray;
I’ll find something to do today.
I need not sort and rearrange
To place my leavings back in range.

All will later be there to find
If and when a need comes to mind.
It’s not lost, just a mite misplaced;
Looking now would just be a waste.

Although things might be briefly found,
They would return when they’re set down.
While I search for this, I’ll see that,
And mentally I’ll switch tit for tat.

So learn to live in disarray;
It‘s easier to rest that way.
Use what comes to your mind or hand;
If it doesn’t fit, change what you planned.

If I Did Not Have You

I may pause to wonder what I would do
If, no longer, I could kvetch about you.
With no bureaucrats soundly to berate,
No phone marketers to intolerate,
No noisy neighbors in their own backyard,
No cheerful clerks or guides who try too hard.

What if we all shared the same politics?
Then where would we cast our sarcastic bricks?
What would make me shake my head in wonder
If our beliefs were not set asunder?
Thank goodness for our great diversity --
I almost thought I would criticize me.

If Ever You Would Leave Home

(tune: If Ever I Should Leave You
(Lerner & Loewe, 1960))

If ever you vacation, it shouldn’t be in summer,
For in summer is when the lawn grows.
The grass soaks up sunlight, soon it is knee high,
It chokes the mower, no matter how hard you try.

But if you ever leave home, it shouldn’t be in autumn
Leaves pile up in autumn every time the wind blows.
And all those chores undone now have only weeks
To be completed before frost nips your cheeks.

And can you leave your driveway clogged up with snow
It shows you’re away; every burglar will know.

If ever you would leave home, how could it be in springtime,
Weather in spring is as nice as home gets, you know.
Oh no, not in springtime, summer, winter, or fall
Own a house and you can never leave at all.

How to Handle a Bugbear

If you ever meet a bugbear,
I will tell you what you should do.
Inform him that you do not care
Even if he tries to eat you.
Tell him he might well break his teeth
When, on you, he attempts to chew --
Your flesh seems soft but underneath
Your bones are hard as ever grew.
Pity him his fearful hunger
And offer him friendly advice.
Point out that your sister’s younger
And she tastes at least twice as nice.

Addendum (in reply to my daughter):

'Though this worked for me as a boy,
I never told Sis ‘bout the ploy.
Sis was scary as she was nice --
Never saw the same bugbear twice.

Reunion L(I)

(EJHS Class of ‘70) August 7, 2021

For us, it has been fifty years
(Really a CO-VID fifty-one)
Since our high school graduation cheers
And our adult lives were begun.

Some of us still remained close by
And others roamed quite far away.
A few who gave elsewhere a try
Then came back here again to stay.

We’re not all here to reunite --
Others are in our memories.
Let’s chat with all those here tonight
And greet those not in reveries.

Better Poetry Thru Engineering

Rich careers as an English major,
Likely as a five foot six cager,
Too improbable for some to hope,
So they become engineers to cope.

‘Though hidden are these poetic souls,
Who choose tech skills to pay their life tolls,
They are neither lost nor fully gone
When a chance for a rhyme comes along.

We try to follow the rule of thumb --
If not clever, do not be too dumb.
For a poem, choose who will judge it --
A careful choice will let you fudge it.

Between the lab of a thought so sage
Are strewn many hurdles to the page.
In theory the concept was quite clear
As it bounced incomplete ear-to-ear.

But now one must work out all the kinks
To produce from what one merely thinks.
Consult the tables, see what can work,
Twist it to fit, and give it a jerk.

So maybe it is not what you meant,
Your original thought is quite bent.
But now you have a real thing to fly,
So put it out there - give it a try.

Armchair Olympics

Olympics: Faster, Higher, Stronger.
Us Oldsters: Smarter. Harder. Longer.
That which they seemingly do with ease --
The mere watching it can make us wheeze.

For them, it is a dreamed lifetime thrill.
For the rest, it’s hours of TV fill.
For them, goal to be victorious.
For us, it’s to feel vicarious.

The athletes have their multiple heats,
Wins, medals, and agony of defeats.
Amateur or pro, let them have fame,
Let them sweat, train and strain for their game.

Give us the five-minute frig relay,
The armchair dismount, and instant replay.
We’ll watch sponsors’ ads, consume their wares,
To do our part when Olympics airs.

A Poetic Fishing License

Is it the poet’s job to preserve yore,
To make up rhymes for Icarus and Thor?
I have never learned to read nor speak
In either ancient Latin or Greek.
And of my knowledge in bygone Old Norse
Can be said it is infinitely worse.

It is my good luck to have translations
Created by the former generations.
And for you, there’s Google to draw upon
When a myth comes from an old pantheon.
Need you know Helios from Apollo
When one is better the rhyme to follow?

Maybe my little secret I’ll tell you --
I fight through reading many poets too.
Greco-Roman, Norse, Chinese, or Bible,
With names so exotically tribal,
Without my ready wikipedia
They go in and out like diarrhea.

So maybe, poets, it isn’t our duty
To create such esoteric beauty.
Forgive the past poets and their old ways
And use the language we use nowadays.
Although, in a century, perhaps two,
They will need to look up what you wrote too.

Grandfather’s Confession

Humility is a crutch
From which I don’t suffer much.
I think others feel more pain
When I am so humbly vain.

I rap people on the shins
As my confession begins.
How will I feel my frisson
If there are none to listen?

Frisson is a thrill of fear --
In case you didn’t know, my dear.
It is not humble to brag --
It just fell out of my bag.

In my virtue I take pride --
Honest men have naught to hide.
But I’m ready to concede,
It’s not the top of my creed.

None more misled than am I
With how truth may pass me by.
The tale is so much more fun
Than what was actually done.

So if you do not believe
All the stories that I weave,
Well. that will still be alright.
You just go to sleep tonight.

Consumer’s Obligation

Many productive people toil each day
To fill our world with products of their work.
Should we feel a need to meet them midway
And do not our consumer’s duty shirk?

For what a high pile might the world become
Filled with neglected stuff from busy folks.
How soon would civilizations succumb
If none uses what industry evokes?

Perhaps you think I do nothing each day
To help our fellows in the vast mankind.
But that suggestion I strongly gainsay --
I digest plenty in stomach and mind.

But although that which I run through my guts
Soon is ready to be recycled elsewhere,
What I watch and read my purpose rebuts
And passes through me with no sign of wear.

I may even act to magnify it
And increase the load on our burdened world.
My fancy may be provoked by some wit
And idle thoughts into a response swirled.

So, I ask, if you do not mind too much,
When the productive twitch overwhelms me
And I cannot stop myself, then as such,
Forgive me for adding to your debris.

My Summer Smorgasbord

In the back I grow apples for the deer --
They inspect and expect these treats each year.
From each fruit, their first two bites are the best --
They leave what is left for my other guests.

I say my blueberries are not yet blue,
But some critters will think so before I do.
Trees and plants we think are there to landscape,
Some neighbors think are as tasty as grape.

I won’t spend time or money to plant seed
Or raise veggies that I would have to weed.
But if wild friends like perennial crops,
I’m happy whenever one comes and shops.

The Eagle Has Landed (and Left)

We went to the moon today,
‘Tho fifty-two years ago.
It’s still just as far away
As a man has put his toe.

Twenty-four circled the moon,
Ten lunanauts still survive,
All may be gone rather soon --
The youngest is eighty-five.

Twelve Apollo crew went below
And they took a stroll around.
Some photos, some rocks to stow,
And then they left lunar ground.

When will we go back again,
‘Tho some people just ask why.
Is the moon in our domain
Or is that too far to fly?

A Second Helping?

Billionaires‌ ‌on‌ ‌the‌ ‌moon,‌ ‌a‌ ‌new‌ ‌meme,‌
‌ Using‌ ‌their‌ ‌cash‌ ‌to‌ ‌fuel‌ ‌their‌ ‌pipe‌ ‌dream.‌
‌    ‌It’s‌ ‌a‌ ‌race‌ ‌to‌ ‌buy‌ ‌fame‌ ‌
   ‌And‌ ‌extend‌ ‌their‌ ‌brand‌ ‌name‌ ‌
Or‌ ‌the‌ ‌latest‌ ‌tax‌ ‌evasion‌ ‌scheme.‌ ‌
‌

My Career as a Scribe

No longer do they ask I take minutes
In the committee meetings I attend.
I guess they did not like to begin its
Next meeting with the verses which I penned.

Or maybe ‘cause I left some motion out
When for a key word I could find no rhyme.
Reading of minutes preceded a shout
That how I record was a waste of time.

Now I sit and just quietly doodle,
While others take assiduous notes.
With luck I won’t even use my noodle,
And I can pay no attention to votes.

Carnival Sins: More Ogdenish Limicks

Or Are They Just Nashty?

If you’re a manatee,
May you have vanity?
Seaweed for each meal
Would steal my sanity.

Where does lion keep his pride?
Is it gals at his side?
Most teens can tell you,
It’s manely in his hide.

Does a mule ever lust
For an ass or a bust?
Sterile is not fun --
It seems to be unjust.

Does the sloth mean to sin
When too slow to begin?
Maybe he just thinks
Exercise makes too thin.

Watch out for the giraffe
When moved by fearsome wrath.
One kick from above
Will knock you off your path.

Chimp has one but wants two,
Greedy he steals from you.
He drops what he has
And holds less when he’s through.

When whale opens his maw,
He sucks all into his craw.
To leave isn’t easy --
You can just ask Jonaw.

Ode to Ogden

Nash wrote four line limicks --
The change gave him some kicks.
Some thought them too short
But less rhyme made them quicks.

When I use Ogden’s form,
With less than is my norm,
Thoughts must be kept small --
Just a minor brainstorm.

But it’s good exercise
To hold thoughts down in size.
Concise sounds like smart
When none knows otherwise.

Over What Hill

I may be over the hill, heading down,
Although it still looks fairly far to town.
Sometimes I take a moment, a brief stop,
To wonder when it was I was on top.

So many ups and their offsetting downs
Pass by unremarked as we go our rounds.
They are simply what there is at that time --
You could buy a dozen for just a dime.

We don’t build a road, jumping peak to peak,
But it’s the easy valley path we seek.
So to build a life, maybe it’s the same --
Rate by how well, not high, we play the game.

Likely I have never been to the top,
But that will not make all my life a flop.
There will still be small bumps in my descent
To test old knees ‘fore I’m completely spent.

Star-Spangled Banter

Hey, over there. Did you see that bright flare?
All through the night, ‘twas such an awful fight.
Who’s outta sorts, bombarding some old fort?
What is their beef, to give us so much grief?

Whoa, look at that, it came through the whole spat!
With stripes and stars, that flag there is still ours.
It didn’t come down, despite bombs all around --
It's in tatters, but some holes don’t matter.

That’s the spirit, you love it or fear it,
But not defeat people who won’t retreat.
They die for cause when other folks might pause.
They will be free whatever cost may be.

So, hoist the flag and let it for us brag,
Don’t tread on us, we’re just too full of cuss,
We will rebound, you cannot keep us down --
Thanks for the shells, we'll make Liberty Bells.

Taxonomy

A hamster is not a gerbil,
‘Though a tortoise is a turtle.
Mosquitoes are what you swat at -
Hundred twelve genera for that.

If you want to classify,
Taxonomy is what you try.
You compare for what is the same
And then give them a Species name.

But now the fun has just begun --
Two's too different to be one.
They aren’t the same but share sameness;
Let us give them the same Genus.

The Genera with common traits
In a Family can be mates.
Families in the same border
Can be placed in the same Order.

The Orders can combine en masse
To make a very diverse Class.
We almost there to compile a
Joining of Classes into Phyla.

The last step is the mighty Kingdom
Under which the broad Phyla come.
Some add in sub- and super- levels --
Let’s ignore hair-splitting devils.

Ennui

(tune: Meet Me in St. Louis, Louis)

Wrap me up in weary ennui,
From out of nowhere.
Don’t tell me the world’s still shining.
I no longer care.
It seems I’ve done more than enough,
To go repeating that old stuff.
So cover me with dull ennui,
And I’ll snuggle there.

Wrap me up in weary ennui,
I am fine, I swear.
Within myself I’m unwinding
From nothing out there.
So much has passed hurly burly
And it all stopped way too early,
So I need time of listless ennui
To rise fresh somewhere.

Atrophy

Atrophy is not a prize you can win,
Although it is easy to compete in.
You just give up something you once did use,
And soon enough find it something to lose.

A muscle, a mind, or any old skill,
Can weaken and fade if too long too still.
One thing to not vanish like a rabbit,
Seems to me, is an old and bad habit.

Idling Hard

Things not worth doing may be worth not doing well;
When you are doing nothing, your best will not do.
From career you retire in idleness to dwell
Unless you find former nothings to amuse you.

Work is a labor, perhaps a burden to bear,
And yet a purpose and a process to move us.
We wish relief from exertion in our soft chair,
Until endless rest changes it to immobile truss.

Then we must idle hard to recapture what’s lost;
Do to be doing and fighting not to be done.
I need not be better than Seuss, Whitman, or Frost,
As long as I can fill the hours and still have fun.