Three Bears Residence
Enchanted Forest
Storyland, USA
Dear Bear Family,
In this day and age of uncertainty and crime, I am writing to offer you some peace of mind. Do you worry about your possessions, big, small, or in-between, every time you leave your home? What you need is a home security system, professionally installed, to deter those home invaders who would take advantage of you.
You may have considered such safeguards in the past, only to decide they are too expensive or too complicated. But we will work with you to find the solution that is just right for you.
Our representative will be in your neighborhood next week and is eager to stop in to discuss our flexible plans with you. We look forward to meeting you to explore how we together can protect the sanctity of your home.
At your service,
Goldie's Locks, Inc.
123 Fantasy Road
Storyland, USA
Dame Gothel or Current Occupant
Mystery Tower
Storyland, USA
Dear Occupant,
It has come to the attention of the Storyland Zoning Administrator's office that the Mystery Tower may not be in compliance with zoning and safety regulations. Our inspector made an unscheduled site visit yesterday and believes that the structure is now in use as an unapproved residence. He reported hearing singing from an upper chamber, but was unable to contact you (or your tenant) due to the apparent absence of any door. His attempts to find a door knocker or bell system to summon you were similarly fruitless.
A search of this office's records indicates that although a building permit was issued twelve years ago, you have never applied for a certificate of occupancy nor the qualifying inspections necessary to complete the construction process. Therefore, faced with the presumption of its unauthorized use, this office is writing to establish a time in the next three days for a complete inspection of the premise. Despite its isolated location, the Storyland zoning regulations still apply to all dwellings in this domain, including yours. They are enacted (and enforced) to protect us all from mitigable consequences of both routine and catastrophic circumstances through proper precaution and best practices.
Please Be Advised: If we do not hear from you to schedule an appointment, our staff and officers of the Bailiff will be onsite Friday equipped to enter the Mystery Tower and remove any residents therein without the requirement of your permission. An inspection of the property (beyond the assurance of removal of all occupants) cannot be conducted without your approval, but this office will begin condemnation procedures if we have not heard from you within the next 30 days. If so ordered, the Mystery Tower will be demolished (I shall personally see it blown up (best part of my job)).
Sincerely,
Zeke Midas Woolf, RA/AIA
Storyland Zoning Administrator
Storyland, USA
Farmer McDonald
McDonald Farm and Dairy
Storyland, USA
Sir:
We are writing to follow-up on the Council Meeting you attended last month. At that time, you pointed out that your diverse products are distributed to many Storyland homes on a regular weekly (or more frequent) basis. There was discussion at the meeting about the supplementing of our herald communication with printed materials on the packaging of your products.
Alas, the theoretical nature of such speculation has materialized into a real need. The woodcutter has reported that his children, Hansel and Gretel, have been missing for three weeks now. He believed they went in search for food, as his whole family has been starving (and to which his second wife succumbed last week), but they never returned,
The Council has budgeted funds to print the faces and story of the children on flyers. We are contacting you about the implementation of your proposal to affix these flyers to your milk jugs for this week's deliveries. The flyers accompany this letter.
Thank you for your dual sense of civic responsibility and practical frugality. We all hope for the most fortunate outcome from this enhanced communication made possible by your participation.
On behalf of the King and all citizens,
Prince Charming
Chairman, Storyland Council
Aurora Rosamund
King Stefan's Castle
Storyland, USA
Dear Miss Rosamund,
I am in receipt of your letter of April 2nd in which you inquire for information about hypersomnia, its causes and its cures. As a minor, I must advise you that I am unable to treat you as a patient without your parents' knowledge and consent. But let me assure you, there is no mechanism known to science by which a splinter from a spinning wheel can induce nacroleptic symptoms. It is much more likely that you have been the brunt of an unkind April Fools' prank. Perhaps it would be best simply to set your fears aside and enjoy your forthcoming Sweet Sixteen party.
Sincerely,
Ripton Van Winkle, MD
Catskill Center for Sleep Disorders
Tarrytown, NY
Peter Pan
Home Underground Neverwood
Never Neverland, USA
Dear Mr. Pan,
Please keep the enclosed card until you receive your Membership Kit. It will include your new card, as well as complete details on how to take advantage of the many membership rewards available to those over 50.
I'm sure you'll find that using just a few of your discounts (such as on air flights, cruises, hotels, and home security) can more than repay the cost of your membership.
You'll also appreciate AARP's trustworthy information and resources. It can help you protect your health, your money and your career, and make the most of life over 50.
Welcome to AARP!
Sincerely,
Methuselah Bristlecone
Director of Membership
Storyland AARP
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